In real terms Zimbabweans are arguably the richest Southern Africans. Unlike South Africa, there are not many credit facilities in Zimbabwe. And the few facilities available are open only to people who are formally employed, particularly civil servants.

Unemployment in Zimbabwe is hovering above 90%. So those in the formally employed sector who can enjoy the limited credit facilities constitute only about 10% of the employable population. The civil servant body is about 235 000 strong and comprise the majority of that 10%. The highest paid civil servant takes home about US$600.

With these statistics it is hard to explain the opulence exhibited by Zimbabweans. Zimbabweans drive top of the range Mercedes, Range Rovers, Toyota Prados and Land Cruisers, Chryslers, etc. In South Africa most people drive cars on hire purchase, but Zimbabweans pay cash for their cars.

Just visit the upmarket suburbs of Borrowdale, Vainona, Greendale and Mount Pleasant and observe how people pull down good houses and replace them with mansions within weeks. The level of opulence there is obscene. And there are no mortgages here folks! The fellows pay cash for the properties. They pay lots of money to pull the houses down, and lot more money to build the mansions.

You may be saying to yourself it is diamond money. You could have a point. But how many of us have access to the diamond money? The answer is not many. So is the money coming from tobacco? Some of it yes, but certainly not most of it. So where is most of it coming from? I have just been told the secret and I have started the process so I hope the money will start to roll in as soon as I am done.

I am not selfish so I want to share the secret with all of you, so all of us can be rich. I used an old newspaper as a toilet paper in the pit latrine the last time I was in the rural areas. My eye was caught by an article in the business section of the paper, which quoted an economic analyst as suggesting that when more people get rich, aggregate demand increases, and that comes with many benefits to the economy. I don’t know if the analyst was correct, but let us just get rich together, all of us including the analyst, and see what happens.

Here is the clue. But it is not for the faint-hearted. You need to have a big heart, and you must be a believer in the power of African science. You need to have a close relative who died of diabetes. On the night of the second Saturday after the first anniversary of his/her death, kill a black tomcat and take him to the cemetery together with two bean seeds (sugar beans). This entire ritual must be performed while naked.

When you get to the cemetery, dig a hole in the grave of your relative and place the dead tomcat in that opening. Place the two bean seeds in one ear of the tomcat and cover the hole with soil to totally bury the tomcat. Urinate on the covered hole and walk back home. Don’t run and don’t look back even if you are startled.

Every night thereafter you must return to the grave, naked, with a wooden cup of water and irrigate the place where you buried the tomcat until the bean seeds have germinated. After the bean seeds have germinated, you reduce your number of visits to the grave to only once a week, to irrigate the plants. You must remember to be nude at all times when you perform the ritual, and never to run or look back.

You will do this until the plants bear fruit. Continue with the routine until the fruit is ripe, when the pods get dry, crack open and the seeds fall out. From the night you pick up the first seed, you will have to go back to the grave every night, naked, to pick up the seeds until you have picked up the last seed. Each time you bring the seeds home, you will put them in a black pouch that you will keep buried in the garden.

On the night that you pick up the last seed, count all the seeds in the black pouch, boil the seeds and eat them naked facing the direction of Great Zimbabwe. After that you will make a million US dollars each year, up to the number of the bean seeds that you will have harvested from grave.

How does that sound? A great idea to make easy money in Zimbabwe, isn’t it? After all this is the only explanation I can find for how so many are living the high life.

I will be waiting for your feedback after you start rolling in big bucks!